On Bidding Farewell to Umarala

A few weeks ago at work I pre-ordered Champions: Return to Arms, the sequel to last year’s PlayStation 2 game Champions of Norrath. As a freebie I received a 2005 calendar, “Armed & Deadly: The Babes of Champions.” Twelve months of well-armed fantasy women–mainly elves, some humans. While they may be well-armed–double-headed axes, swords, staffs, compound bows — the “Babes of Champions” aren’t especially well-armored.

UmaralaMiss January was named Umarala. Human, long-flowing straight red hair, purple eyes, her stance and eyes adopting a come-hither look. And a noticeable lack of sensible armor.

Let’s break down Umarala’s armor. Leather sports bra. Plate mail gauntlets to the elbows. Plate mail boots, complete with high heels, to the knees. Bikini panties. Studded leather belt. That’s it.

How does this make sense from a fighting standpoint? Does Umarala think her stunning beauty will stun her enemies into stupor? Giant spiders, mutant wasps, and bugbears aren’t going to care about her cleavage. Orcs aren’t going to respond to her sex appeal–Orcs and humans should have very different mating cues. To say nothing of diet–Umarala looks too healthy to have been the product of a fantasy medieval civilization.

New month, new “Babe of Champions.” February’s Babe is Na-Zhan. Human or elf, I can’t tell. Some sort of spell-caster, I would think. And again, an outfit that doesn’t make much sense from a practical standpoint.

I’m overthinking this, aren’t I? It’s the amateur medievalist in me. Even medieval fantasy worlds should conform to some known reality.

2 thoughts on “On Bidding Farewell to Umarala

  1. ahh…the point is not to be protected from Mutant Wasps- Umarala is trying to help the poor souls like you and I to sell her psuedo-medieval world to our customers without painstaking efforts…
    A worthy and noble cause.

    Fanboys like the breasts.

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