On That Wesley Crusher Smut-Book

Never let it be said that I have standards!

I’ve bought Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine.

You can read about this piece of insane fanfic, for sale on the Amazon Kindle, here in this io9 article.

Dayton Ward suggested that this belongs in the pantheon of late-night con readings, alongside The Eye of Argon and Star Trek: The Death Wave.

Dayton is absolutely correct. It really does belong there.

The first chapter is insane. The Moriarty hologram shoots Picard in the gonads, Wesley talks like he’s an extra on Gossip Girl, and just for kicks he fills the Enterprise with methane gas, err, excuse me, “space gas,” and ignites it, burning everyone in the ship up, except for Wesley, Moriarty, a felinoid, and Geordi (who is, I guess, Wesley’s homeboy).

Here’s a sample: “The SHO shot off into space just as the Enterprise exploded, vaporizing Picard, the entire crew of the Enterprise, and even Wesley’s own mother Dr. Bev Crusher.” That’s hardcore, man.

Yep, I’m pitching a midnight reading of this misbegotten puppy at Shore Leave. We’ll pass around a Kindle and a bottle of scotch or whiskey and epics will be sung! 🙂

An update!

So.

Yes, I’ve finished reading Wesley Crusher, Teenage Fuck Machine.

It’s even more insane than its title suggests. I’ve read this, so you don’t have to!

After capping Picard in the ‘nads and torching the Enterprise, Wesley and his motley crew — a felinoid (Meow Solo), the Moriarty hologram, Wesley’s homeboy Geordi LaForge, and three women (one of whom, we learn later, is named Mary Sue) — get the Borg on their case at the local Circle-K when they stop to put some space gas in the tank of their stolen Taurus SHO. Wesley takes out the Borg ship’s headlights with a well-thrown football, and the gang tries to hightail it, but the Borg catch up with them and take them prisoner.

Wesley wakes up in a Borg assimilation chamber. Geordi has been assimilated, and he is now Borgy Laborg. When he threatens to assimilate Wesley, Wes, despite being tied down, gets a straight-edge razor from underneath his tongue and slices through the ropes(!) that are tying him down to the assimilation table, and then he slits Borgy Laborg’s throat. Then, after freeing Meow Solo, the two hoodlums pick up some axes and start decapitating Borg.

Meanwhile, Commander Kitteh (yes, it’s a fucking LOLcat) receives a distress call from Worf, who somehow survived the torching of the Enterprise. Kitteh decides that he’s going to kill Wesley Crusher himself, because that’s the kind of LOLcat Kitteh is.

Back on the Borg cube, Wes and Meow Solo realize that their Taurus SHO (which I guess is a shuttlecraft) is hot, and since they’ve killed all the Borg drones, they’ll torch the Taurus SHO and tool around in the Borg scout cube. Well, Mary Sue and the other two girls didn’t survive, so after rescuing Moriarty and torching the Taurus SHO, Wes and Meow Solo go back to the Circle-K to pick up some new girls.

Fortunately, there are three bikini-clad girls in the Circle-K who look just like Betty Veronica. (There’s no conjunction or punctuation in the text. That’s really what it said.) However, these girls want no part of being the sex slaves of Wesley Crusher and Meow Solo, so Wesley shoots out their eyes with his phaser and kills them. This gets blood on Meow Solo’s suede pants, which the cat doesn’t care for. Then the Circle-K clerk, also female but very overweight with greasy hair, bares her chest and offers to be their sex slave (obviously a ploy to save her life), but Wes shoots her in the chest and kills her. Then Wes has sex with one of the dead bikini girls.

Back on the Borg cube, Meow Solo goes apeshit on Wes for getting the girls’ blood on his pants. “If it weren’t for me” (not an exact quote) he rants at Wes, “you’d be nothing but the biggest loser of all the losers on the Enterprise. But with me around, you have sex all the time.” Wes tries to counter that he’s still better than Data, but Meow Solo won’t hear of it. He pulls out a secret weapon, which he’d had on him all the time, and he banishes Wesley to another dimension where he can’t disrespect Meow Solo any more.

Then Commander Kitteh arrives! Dismayed to discover that Wesley Crusher is no longer in this dimension, he phasers Meow Solo in the groin, vaporizing it. (The imagery here, by the way, is hilarious.) Then Commander Kitteh takes Moriarty, and they go through the dimensional rip after Wesley Crusher so Commander Kitteh can kill him dead.

To be continued…

It’s very short. You can finish it in about twenty minutes.

The title, by the way, really oversells the book. There’s a lurid sex scene to open the book, and then other than a necrophiliac encounter Wes has, there’s no “fuck machine” in this book at all.

The writing, which is often atrocious, is hilarious, but it’s not hilarious bad. Instead, it’s hilarious because the writer has absolutely no idea what Star Trek is. This isn’t a Star Trek: The Next Generation story. This is a Grand Theft Auto story about a couple of hoodlums from Liberty City, except it’s told as though it’s about a couple of hoodlums from the Enterprise-D.

With extra LOLcats, of course.

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