It’s really hot.
This is no mere heat wave. This is global warming, pure and simple.
There’s only one thing to be done, really.
High seas piracy.
Where are the pirates stepping up to the plate, to sacrifice their lives, liberty, and sacred honor on the high seas? Where are the men of stout heart who will take to the high seas in wooden ships, to ply the ocean waves and seizing goods and merchandise as they will?
Where are the pirates?
If there were more pirates, there would be no global warming! So says the sacred writings of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
And yes, I’ve made this observation before. I don’t recall that it was quite this frelling hot as it was then. I mean, that was August. You expect to fucking melt in August. Not in June. Never in June.
We need more pirates on the ocean seas. It’s the only way for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to take pity on our poor souls.