On George Bush’s Memoir

Former President George W. Bush is writing a memoir. Entitled Decision Points, it’s due out in 2010.

On the off-chance that Bush or one of his lackeys is reading this, if you’re in market for a ghost-writer, I work cheap. :)

I disagreed with damn never every decision you made, George Bush, which you may think should disqualify me immediately from ghosting your memoir. But you need someone who despised your guts and rejected your principles to make you look like a saint. You don’t want a book that appeals to your “base.” You’re not going to sell a book that only appeals to your base. You want a book that makes you look like a genius, and the only way you get that is by appealing to people like me, who think you’re a fucking toad.

In short, you need one of your enemies to write your book. Because they’re not in your base.

So why not me? As I said, I work cheap. I won’t make you look like your decisions were made out of a messianic certaintude, I’ll make your decisions look reasoned and considered. Your decision to read My Pet Goat on 9-11 will look like an act of considered defiance in the face of a hostile and unknown world. Your non-response to Hurricane Katrina will look like a principled stand for states rights.

What you’ll get is a literate work, that makes you look like you really did all that reading your handlers said you did. What you’ll get is a work that moves your readers, that makes them sympathize with you.

You want to rehabilitate your image for the history books, George Bush? The contact button is up top. Drop me an e-mail, and I’ll make you look like Mahatma fucking Gandhi.

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