On Abducted by the Daleks

Abducted by the Daleks. I can’t believe I’m about to attempt a serious review of this.

We’ll start with a summary. Spoilers ahead.

On some deserted road in the middle of a forest four eastern European women are driving through the night, through a stretch of woods that one of the women claims is the lair of a serial killer. Suddenly, something appears in the road, they hit it with their car, and the car skids off the road. The four women get out of the car, find some flashlights, examine the damage to the car, and decide to make their way, on foot, to the party they’d intended to attend that evening. Yes, on foot, through the woods, in party dresses and high heels.

They become separated. One undresses because she’s cold. The Daleks T-Mat her aboard their ship. Two others wander off by themselves and start to make out. They, too, are T-Matted aboard the Dalek ship. The fourth, she keeps her dress on. The Daleks T-Mat her aboard their ship as well, but we discover that she’s actually a Dalek agent, her mission to bring the Daleks naked women for interrogation.

The three naked women are lasered to death by the Daleks when they refuse to cooperate with the dominatrix Dalek agent, so the agent T-Mats back to Earth to find the Daleks more victims. Somehow she loses her clothes, and she’s now portrayed by a different actress who looks nothing like the first actress. She wanders around the woods, realizes she’s being stalked, and then she’s captured by a scarred hunter who walks around with a machine gun. He chains her to a tree, ostensibly to protect her from the serial killer in the woods, but instead he fondles her and then, satisfied, he decides he’s going to find the serial killer himself.

Somewhere off-stage we hear the hunter die. The serial killer surprised him, they have a fight. Now the serial killer decides to flay the skin off the Dalek agent, and we discover that, gasp!, he’s actually an alien of some sort. The serial killer also fondles the Dalek agent, then begins to mark up her body with lipstick where he intends to flay the skin off her body. On their spaceship the Daleks observe all this, and realizing that their agent is in bodily danger T-Mat the serial killer aboard their ship where they promptly exterminate him.

Flash forward a day later. The Dalek agent, still completely unclothed, is in a police detective’s office, where she’s explaining everything that’s going on. The detective thinks this is all stupid, so he says he’s going to place a phone call. The girl sits there, and when she hears the door open she turns to see who’s coming into the office, and the last thing we see is her eyes bulging out as we hear Daleks screaming “Exterminate!”

Alright, let’s review this.

First, as a story it’s pretty damn stupid. What are the Daleks hoping to achieve? What kind of intelligence can naked eastern European girls provide? Why does the hunter speak with a slightly metallic voice, like the guy on South Park? Where did the serial killer come from? And if the Daleks exterminated the serial killer because he was going to kill their agent, why does the story end with the Daleks wanting to exterminate their own agent?

Second, as a porn it’s completely lacking in anything erotic happening. Great, women lose their clothes, one gets a Dalek suction cup in the face, and one gets fondled by the hunter and the alien serial killer.

Third, the Daleks look a little off. The eyestalks aren’t at all consistent–some have round eyes, some have conical eyes. Some have thick necks, some have narrow necks. Honestly, one seemed almost fat. On the other hand, there are definitely more Daleks in this than you’d find in most any BBC production–there’s at least six distinctive Daleks.

On the positive side, the Dalek voices were accurate, even if the dialogue wasn’t. (One Dalek likes to use contractions and aspirates oddly.) There’s some intriguing camera work, with off-kilter zooms on various Dalek eyestalks. The Dalek dome knobs don’t blink when Daleks talk.

But.

Let’s be frank. The Daleks were completely superfluous to this story. At the end of the story the Dalek agent explains to the police detective that the Daleks wanted to abduct naked women to interrogate them, then impregnate them. Excuse me? Impregnate them with what? Why? I expected to see the Daleks penetrate the girls’ orifices. Didn’t happen. I expected some explanation of where the alien grey came from at the beginning of the film. (That’s what the girls hit with their car.) Nope.

Abducted by the Daleks may be notorious because of the BBC’s crackdown on their copyrights, but it’s pointlessly stupid, worthless as a piece of erotic cinema, and completely unworthy of the Daleks.