Today is my coworker Lance’s birthday. Had I known, I’d have picked him up a cake on my way into the office. Though we don’t have a “birthday club” in Marketing, no one would say no to a birthday cake. And when I told Lance that he should have told me that today was his birthday, he said, “It’s on Facebook!”
“Yes,” I said, “and I saw that when I got to work this morning, and I’d have seen it if I’d turned my computer on at home this morning, but I didn’t, so I didn’t know. So, I’d have bought you a cake.” I paused dramatically. “A red velvet cake.”
“I hate red velvet cake,” said Lance.
You could have smacked me across the face with a salmon, I was so flabbergasted. “What do you mean, you ‘hate red velvet cake’? Years ago, you asked for a red velvet cake.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Yes, you did. We were at the old building. Andrew and I discussed this.”
“Maybe Gertz wanted red velvet cake.”
Realization dawned. “Or maybe you told me you wanted red velvet cake because you didn’t want a cake but you wanted everyone else to enjoy it.” And, indeed, that birthday, circa 2011 or so, I’d bought Lance a red velvet cake at the Food Lion in Owings Mills on my way into the office.
“I didn’t,” Lance insisted.
“I am having a Mandela moment!” I declared. “I have become unmoored in the multiverse!”
Dramatic flourish, and exit.