Dear Santa… Dear Santa, This year I’ve been busy! Last Tuesday I had a shoot-out with rival gang lords on the 5 near LA (-76 points). Last month I didn’t flush (-1 points). Last Monday I helped Triggur see the light (8 points). In June I farted in an elevator (-6 points). Last week IContinue reading “On a Letter to Santa Claus”
On a Case of the Mondays
“Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays,” said that annoying phone operator in Office Space. I must be having one of those, because I kept thinking that today must have been something other than Monday. Surely it was Tuesday, or Wednesday, or possibly even Friday. Monday? Not possible. And yet, today is Monday.Continue reading “On a Case of the Mondays”
On XBox 360 Madness
People need a sanity check–you can buy an XBox 360 system on eBay for 11 million dollars. I don’t expect that anyone would match Jack Dell’s “Buy It Now” price–there are better things one can do with 11 million dollars–but I have to wonder at the thought process that leads someone to put up anContinue reading “On XBox 360 Madness”
On My Grandmother's Car
The battery in her car died. It’s winter, it’s cold, this is to be expected. She’s greatly upset by this. Let me explain what I’ve just spent the past hour doing, because I wouldn’t believe it myself otherwise. Take everything out of the car, she said–the car knows there’s stuff in it that’s not supposedContinue reading “On My Grandmother's Car”
On Making December's Schedule
Nothing puts the month into perspective like making the store’s schedule through Christmas Eve. The schedule, at least two weeks out, isn’t set in stone. It’s a kind of guestimate, an ideal for how I want to schedule the store. There’s every possibility that the schedule for the week beginning the 18th will need someContinue reading “On Making December's Schedule”
On Not Being an Expert
To a random Google searcher: No, I don’t know who performs exorcisms in Colorado.
On Voting Machines
My voting precinct uses paper ballots. Odd paper ballots, to be sure–you use a black sharpie to connect two halves of an arrow to indicate your voting preferences–but still, paper ballots. With a paper trail. As my experience a year ago when I was nearly disenfranchised would indicate. But not all of North Carolina usesContinue reading “On Voting Machines”
On Dalek Naughtiness
Had I known about this, I’d probably have wanted to see it: Abducted by the Daleks, a pornographic film in which women are abducted by the Daleks for use as sex slaves. The Sun, a London tabloid, described the film thusly: Dr Who’s foes capture three naked “disco babes” in the 18-rated DVD. They chaseContinue reading “On Dalek Naughtiness”
On Christmas Wishes
People keep asking me, What do I want for Christmas? Well, the things I want–world peace, an end to hunger, President’s Bush impeachment, Vice President Cheney’s indictment for war crimes–no one can give me. These are unrealistic wishes. But for the sake of those having difficulty finding things that I might want, I humbly offerContinue reading “On Christmas Wishes”
On a Cool Campaign Ad
Let’s suppose for a moment that President Bush were running for office against Jesus. What sort of campaign attack ad might Bush and his lackey Karl Rove conjure? A disturbingly funny ad.