On LEGO Star Wars: The Novel

On TrekBBS, there’s a discussion asking Star Trek authors if they would like to write Star Wars novels.

Said I in reply:

I would absolutely write a Star Wars comic or novel.

In fact, I know the approach I’d take, and the setting I’d use. It would be mental. Abso-fucking-lutely mental. And hilarious. Did I mention hilarious?

The Star Wars novel I would write?

LEGO Star Wars: The Novel.

“It wasn’t the Gungans that Qui-Gon Jinn found strange. It was the fact that every tree, every plant in the Naboo capital looked exactly alike.”

“Captain Panaka was felled by the laser blast of one of the Trade Federation droids, and he broke into several pieces. Padme Amidala waited a few moments, and the pieces jumped back together and Panaka was restored. It had never occurred to Padme that the Trade Federation droids didn’t reassemble themselves when they were shot and broke apart into bricks.”

“Lightsabers may have been a weapon from a more civilized age, but they were also a weapon from a more primitive age, when there weren’t lasers mucking things up. Qui-Gon mused ruefully on the problems of fighting with lightsabers. It wasn’t that they were dangerous; they actually did quite a bit of damage. It was that no one could bend their arms, as their elbows were locked at that awkward angle. Parrying was a matter of moving his whole body and turning his wrist from side to side.”

“The lightsaber cut through him, and Darth Maul’s body came apart neatly at the waist, with two long stubs protruding from his hips where his torso once had been.”

“Obi-Wan followed the Genosian into the conference room. Ignoring the strangely tall minifig, the Jedi Master ignited his lightsaber and attacked the room’s chair. The chair broke apart into several small blocks, and a dozen circular studs of many colors — some blue, some green, even a glowing yellow stud — exploded from the wreckage.”

“Even though Anakin and Obi-Wan were mortal enemies, the only way they could reach the end stage on Mustafar to stage their climatic battle was if they worked together to cross the lava pit before the brick platforms melted.”

“The best part of the diner was picking a fight on the platform outside.”

“Leia hoped to hear Han Solo tell her how much he loved her before he was frozen into carbonite, but his facial expression was frozen, painted as it was onto his yellow cylindrical face.”

“Luke was not at all certain what Jabba the Hutt was made of. He certainly didn’t look to be made of bricks.”

Now I’m itching to play LEGO Star Wars… :spock:

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