In early July I applied for a job with a memory care facility in Lancaster. It was a marketing position, and I felt the mission of the facility personally — my grandmother suffered from dementia, and her mind gave out years before her body did. I was intrigued, and I applied.
The application process was strange. I applied through Indeed, and when I thought I was done — and I suppose I was, from Indeed’ end — I had to take a “quick survey” to continue the application process.
My friends, the “quick survey” was nothing of the kind. It was a fifty question personality/loss prevention survey. I’ve administered surveys like this in my past life as a retail manager.
Since it has been three months and I never ever heard back from them, I believe I can safely say that I was not hired. On that note, let’s share some screenshots of this survey.
Does yelling through a monitor while reading email count? Because I don’t think that counts.
I have a heart condition. You think I’m going to use amphetamines? I may be a writer, but I’m not stupid.
Sigh.
Really?
I worked in an office. There wasn’t any “employer cash” to take. On top of that, I won awards at EB Games for loss prevention. I’m not taking a damn thing. I fired people for theft.
There would be no thinking involved here. JFC.
I’m a writer, alcohol comes with the territory…
Seriously, though, in case you can’t tell I’m being sarcastic. I rarely drink anymore. I’m on meds of various types, and I don’t want any adverse reactions. Maybe a drink or two a month. Maybe. So, no, my work performance is never impacted by alcohol.
Okay, yeah, publishing is a weird damn industry, and we were always taking swings at each other…
Christ on a crutch, I was applying for marketing job. What the hell kind of marketing job ends up with an employee battle royale?
i. My use of meth can be measured in imaginary numbers.
I have no friends. If I did, they would not know anything. I am a hermit, but not a hermit crab.
Fanciful. I would describe my use as fanciful.
It’s for the best that this survey was done online, because I’d have rolled my eyes so hard that they would have looped-de-looped a dozen times over the fifty questions.
I understand the need for the test — it was a job, working in a memory care facility, with vulnerable elderly people who are not going to be in the best cognitive shape — and that requires diligence in order to protect them.
But the test, as written, was so offensively cack-handed I’m kinda glad they never called me in for an interview.