On the Need for Pirates

It’s hot.

It’s really hot.

This is no mere heat wave. This is global warming, pure and simple.

There’s only one thing to be done, really.

High seas piracy.

Where are the pirates stepping up to the plate, to sacrifice their lives, liberty, and sacred honor on the high seas? Where are the men of stout heart who will take to the high seas in wooden ships, to ply the ocean waves and seizing goods and merchandise as they will?

Where are the pirates?

If there were more pirates, there would be no global warming! So says the sacred writings of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

And yes, I’ve made this observation before. I don’t recall that it was quite this frelling hot as it was then. I mean, that was August. You expect to fucking melt in August. Not in June. Never in June.

We need more pirates on the ocean seas. It’s the only way for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to take pity on our poor souls.


Published by Allyn

A writer, editor, journalist, sometimes coder, occasional historian, and all-around scholar, Allyn Gibson is the writer for Diamond Comic Distributors' monthly PREVIEWS catalog, used by comic book shops and throughout the comics industry, and the editor for its monthly order forms. In his over ten years in the industry, Allyn has interviewed comics creators and pop culture celebrities, covered conventions, analyzed industry revenue trends, and written copy for comics, toys, and other pop culture merchandise. Allyn is also known for his short fiction (including the Star Trek story "Make-Believe,"the Doctor Who short story "The Spindle of Necessity," and the ReDeus story "The Ginger Kid"). Allyn has been blogging regularly with WordPress since 2004.

5 thoughts on “On the Need for Pirates

  1. I know this is a humor piece but high seas piracy in the modern era is anything but honorable or funny. The UN just recently passed a resolution to allow foreign ships to chase pirates and arrest them regardless of their country of origin.

    Sorry, it’s one of those subjects I’m a little too close to.

  2. Surely, Allyn wasn’t calling for an increase in the scary, modern pirates who wield Kalashnikovs and evil, but rather, the fun, jovial kind who wield smart-assery and charisma…

  3. I understand, De. I seem to recall a lengthy article in The Atlantic within the past two years about modern day piracy, and I was, frankly, shocked. I thought piracy had died off, but it’s alive and well.

    Add to that the problems with securing the ports in this country — again, an Atlantic expose — and the seas aren’t safe.

    Carey, I appreciate rushing to my defense, but De has the right of it; piracy remains a serious global issue.

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